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Women ask me all the time, "How can I stop beating myself up and blaming myself for all of my failed relationships?"
If deep down you believe there's something wrong with you and you're going to mess up all of your relationships, you'll often end up making that come true.
What's helpful here is to take a look the belief that says, "I'm doing it all wrong."
If you really take a look at that voice inside of you that's beating you up, it's usually not YOUR voice. That voice might be one of your parents' voices, or someone in your life who's had a great deal of influence on you.
As children, in order to feel loved, we often take on the role of the critical parent. We take on their voice and basically do the job FOR them. We can become critical perfectionists and drive ourselves crazy this way as adults.
This often leads to self-sabotage in life and in relationships. What that means is when you're behaving this way, you're out of rapport with yourself.
When you're out of rapport with yourself - if that "little person" inside of you is not getting her needs met or doesn't feel safe in the world - she'll act out and sabotage you.
It's like a little kid throwing a tantrum at the worst possible moment - that self-sabotaging behavior may seem like it's coming from outside of yourself, but it's actually all coming from INSIDE of you.
Being in rapport with yourself is SO important. You want to "step into yourself" so you can feel loved for who you really are - so you don't feel like you have to change yourself to earn love.
When you "step into yourself" and your own power, all of the masks, sabotaging behaviors, insecurities and critical voices begin to disappear and you begin to feel more like YOU.
This helps you to be more accepting of yourself and show up as your authentic self - which is what allows you to feel loved for who you really are, because you're showing up as your REAL self from the beginning.
Everyone always says, "Just be yourself!" Part of it is understanding that there's nothing wrong with you. Instead of worrying about whether or not someone else is going to like you, you're allowing yourself to just BE. This is an unbelievably attractive quality!
What you want to do is look for that voice that's blaming you or beating you up, and break that contract. In a sense you've made a contract with that voice - you've made a contract to buy into their whole story of who you are.
Up until now you've continued to play out that contract, and it's time for you to break that contract and say, "I no longer need to be the kind of person you think I needed to be. I get to be myself."
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